I feel a lot of empathy for single moms.
As of today, Kyle and I are living together. The last few weeks leading up to this moment have consisted of him spending more nights (and days) here at the house, to where he is now officially living here full-time. In the year and three months leading up to this moment, I was primarily responsible for meeting all of Kylie’s needs. Luckily, my parents were in a position to foot the financial load, but the nurturing, disciplining, teaching, feeding, changing, etc. was my responsibility. I was the nanny, the maid, the teacher, all wrapped into the package of “mommy.” Needless to say, our parenting arrangement has taken a drastic turn.
Now that Kyle is here, I have a profound understanding and appreciation for the role of fathers in the lives of children. And an even deeper understanding of the importance of two-parent households. I grew up in a two-parent household. In fact, my parents recently celebrated their 38th year of marriage. So I always knew that I yearned to raise my own children in a two-parent household, but I could never articulate why—aside from the fact that it had been my own experience. I have now gained a greater perspective on what a two-parent household truly offers to a child—one where both parents are present on a daily basis to contribute to the rearing of children.
Suddenly, I got to thinking…I don’t think we spend enough time discussing the benefit that having both feminine and masculine presence in the home offers to children. Additionally, how privileged mothers are that have an ACTIVE dad in the house. First, we must define what an active dad is, before we can dive into how it impacts parenting.
As Kyle and I discussed what life would look like once he moved in, we knew two things. 1. That Kyle would be primarily responsible for the financial burden in the home. 2. That I would be primarily responsible for ensuring that our house would be a home, and that caring for Kylie and Carter (my bonus son) would be primarily my responsibility. But what did that mean? Did that mean that Kyle would go to work and come home to a sparkling clean house, three meals prepared for him, and watch sports as I wrestled with Kylie, while helping Carter with his homework? Absolutely not. We settled on an expectation of everyone chipping in. I’d support the finances in minor ways, and Kyle would help out with the kids as needed. We’d help each other as needed because that is what best fits the type of life that we want for ourselves and our family.
In our household, we seek to both be active parents. We do that by taking a vested interest in the needs and desires of our children. We help as needed, and although we have responsibilities that we understand we’re “primarily” responsible for, we aren’t so rigid that we aren’t willing to fill in on the needs of each other if necessary. Consequently, our parenting roles tend to be a bit more fluid.
Again, I see that as a privilege that not every house is honored to have. In this season, I find myself deeply grateful for the role that Kyle is playing in our household. I’ve come to realize that being the mom that I’ve envisioned myself to be required an equal balance of masculine energy in the house. I couldn’t be the loving, nurturing mother while having to be the sole teacher, disciplinarian, enforcer, etc. It didn’t leave room for much nurturing to occur. When you’re at capacity, burning the candle at both ends, with no rest in between—you show up the best way you can, even if it’s a far cry from what you envisioned.
Now that Kyle has come in and provided that masculine counterbalance, I feel myself changing for the better. I now have more energy and capacity to show up as my best mommy self.
Tips for Nurturing a Balanced Parenting Dynamic
- Recognize the Value of Partnership: Embrace the unique strengths that each parent brings to the table. Acknowledge that a two-parent household allows for diverse perspectives and skills, enhancing the parenting experience. When both parents actively engage, children benefit from a well-rounded upbringing that incorporates different viewpoints and approaches.
- Embrace Flexibility in Roles: While it’s essential to have primary responsibilities, flexibility is key to a successful partnership. Be open to stepping in and supporting each other as needed, whether that means swapping chores or taking turns with the kids. This adaptability not only strengthens the partnership but also teaches children the importance of teamwork and cooperation.
- Cultivate Individual Time for Growth: Encourage both parents to have personal time to recharge and pursue individual interests. A healthy balance between personal and family time allows each parent to show up as their best selves. When parents take care of their own needs, they can nurture their children more effectively, creating a harmonious environment at home.
